


Feeling Deeply

by HMS_Chill



Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/fluff, M/M, There's cuddling, henry's grief, just so many god damn hugs, sort of fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23764927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HMS_Chill/pseuds/HMS_Chill
Summary: It's nearing the seventh anniversary of Henry's dad's death, and navigating the succession process only makes that harder, but at least Alex is there to help.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor
Comments: 54
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

Alex isn't sleeping, but he's trying to pretend. Jet lag is a bitch, and he knows he'll be up all night, but maybe if he pretends well enough, Henry will be able to fall asleep. Henry's been back in England for a few days already, and even if those days have been full of brainstorming with Bea and Pez, they've also been full of enough meetings with the entities that comprise The Crown to warrant late night phone calls calming him down every night before he can sleep. They've been the sort of meetings that made Henry hug him on the tarmac today with a hug that begged for time alone, when no one would pick at him and he wouldn't have to worry about anything, because it's all been so much and he's so overwhelmed. So even if Alex is going to be up late, Henry needs to sleep, and hopefully, Alex's pretending will help.

Apparently, he's too good at pretending, because Henry gives him an extra squeeze, presses a kiss to his forehead, and carefully extracts himself from the bed. Alex watches through his eyelashes as Henry pulls on sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a pair of shoes before he slips out of the room, and Alex is up and following in his footsteps as soon as the door closes. He follows Henry down the halls, the occasional security team member giving him an odd look, but letting him pass without question.

He follows Henry out a back door, then through Kensington Gardens. It's not a short walk to wherever they're going, but Henry clearly has a destination in mind, and Alex does what he can to keep up. He's just glad Henry is too preoccupied to notice his extra shadow.

He isn't sure how long it takes, since his phone is charging on Henry's desk, but he knows it's been more than a little while when Henry unlocks and slips through a gate and into a garden. Alex has to dart forward to catch the gate before it closes. Henry whirls, looking like he's trying to decide if he should scream or throw a punch or run, or maybe all three in that order, but he sees Alex and his defenses drop.

"Alex? You're... I'm sorry; did I wake you?"

"I couldn't sleep. And then you got up, and I... do you want to tell me what's up? You've... you're stressed, and just sort of generally not doing well."

Henry just pushes open the gate, leading Alex into the garden beyond. Alex steps up beside him, hoping it's not invasive, hoping it's the right move. Henry grabs his hand and gives it a squeeze, and Alex smiles a bit.

"I... I come here to think sometimes, when it's nice out and Kensington feels too close. But while you're here, too, there's... something I need to show you." He's avoiding the question, but Alex gives him a nod of encouragement anyway, so they make their way through the garden. In the light of the full moon, it looks like something from a fairy tale, and Alex would be lost within minutes without Henry's guidance. But Henry knows where he's going, and almost before Alex has time to process what's happening, they're standing in front of one of the biggest sculptures he's ever seen. Henry stops, and Alex lets go of his hand to circle the massive piece of marble in front of him.

"It's huge. Gorgeous. I don't... I can't imagine making anything like it."

"It's been a bit of a white elephant in the collections. It's just one piece of marble; Napoleon brought it back from Russia in the early 1800s, and we only have it here because the National Gallery didn't have a room big enough or a floor strong enough for it. The Waterloo Vase."

"Wait, this is the... this isn't a vase! This is a... a fucking massive marble, when you said a vase..." it feels like there's more to be said, but Alex can't find the words to say it. This is the vase Henry had told his feelings to. This vase, the thing no one wanted until it found a home, the thing too big to stay indoors. Unexpectedly, there's a lump in his throat. He goes to Henry and just wraps him in a hug, and Henry hugs back, one of the hugs that means he needs Alex to stay close for a bit.

"I love you," Alex says softly. "And I'm here for anything you need or want to tell me. I'll be here."

"It's just... we've spent all day yesterday, and most of today, talking about Mum taking the crown. And it's good, I know it is, but it's been... a lot. I mean, my family is always a lot, but spending so much time with them and talking about all the logistics and things, and having everything flattened out and picked apart, well, it's just... I miss Dad. Because every time our family, or lines of succession, or anything comes up, there's this big gap where he should be. And I know he'd... he'd make it all better, because he always did. When we had to go to these things with him, he'd always pass notes or draw little pictures and do all sorts of things to make them fun, but now..." Henry trails off, his face finding Alex's shoulder as he hugs him, and Alex hugs back so tightly he's almost afraid he's cutting off Henry's air supply. There's a sob so muffled in his shoulder that Alex almost misses it, then another. Alex rubs Henry's back and just lets him cry, doesn't say anything, just holds onto and loves the man who loves him enough to overflow the biggest vase Alex could ever imagine.

"I just hope I'm making him proud," Henry says, so softly Alex would have missed it were it not said directly into his neck. "I'm making all these decisions, or at least influencing them, we all are. And I just... I hope he'd be happy with what we're doing. I hope he'd be proud of who I am, and... and who we all are."

"I know he would be. You're the strongest, toughest, most amazing person I know. Any dad would be proud to have a son like you, and from everything you and Bea and your mom have told me, your dad would be over the moon if he could see the person you've become."

Henry is quiet for a moment, then he says, "Thank you. It's... it's just hard, because sometimes, I think I didn't really know him. I mean I knew him as my dad, but as I've grown up and become an adult, I'm realizing that maybe... maybe I didn't know him as a person. And I don't think that's anything anyone can do to change or fix, or anything like that, but it's just sort of hard to not really know how he'd feel about things, or... or if he'd actually be proud of me, or just say he was." Alex hugs him closer, and Henry's hug shifts to one that just needs quiet closeness. Eventually, he sniffles a bit, then yawns massively in Alex's ear. Alex chuckles a bit, giving him a little squeeze before letting go just enough to wipe the tears off Henry's face.

"What do you think about getting a ride back? Feel ready to sleep yet?"

Henry nods, so Alex starts back toward the gate, following Henry's sleepy directions through the garden and asking the PPO who'd stayed outside about getting a ride. Henry's eyes are drooping as the car pulls up, and he nearly falls asleep on Alex's shoulder in the five minutes it takes to arrive back at Kensington. Alex gets him in bed with his shoes off, and Henry's asleep in minutes, his hug on Alex shifting from one that needs him close to a lazy, sleepy hug. 

Alex still can't sleep. He'll blame the jet lag, not the lingering feeling that he could be doing more, should be doing more for Henry. He's just not sure what Arthur would do; he's met the man through stories and genes, but he doesn't know him, not really.

When an idea finally clicks, he knows he has to run it by Bea. So, at the risk of disturbing Henry, he wiggles out of the sleepy hug and reaches for his phone, sending her a text before slipping back into place in Henry's arms. Message sent, he lets himself relax and cuddle with his boyfriend, and he's asleep before long, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The minute I saw how... MASSIVE the Waterloo Vase was, I knew I had to write about it. Seriously; this thing is so big y'all. It's fifteen feet tall. That's massive.  
> \--  
> As always, I'm [HMS-Chill](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hms-chill) on tumblr for fic stuff, and I'd love to chat either there or here. Thanks y'all!


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Henry's alarm wakes them both far too early. Alex has essays to write and grants to find and things to do while Henry's in meetings for the day, but getting up for them is the last thing in the world he wants to do. He just wants to stay right where he is, so when Henry starts to move toward getting up, Alex tightens his arms around him and nuzzles into his shoulder. Henry laughs a bit, running a hand through what Alex can already tell is an atrocious bed head, and Alex feels his heart soar. Today is better, then.

"I've got to get up, Love."

"No. Won't let you. Stay here," Alex grumbles, and Henry laughs again, moving away enough to press a kiss to Alex's forehead.

"I love you. And I... I really appreciate what you did for me last night. Thank you."

"I love you." He says it half buried in Henry's neck, but he looks up in time to see the little smile on Henry's face. He runs his hand though Alex's hair again before bringing it down to cup Alex's jaw, and Alex melts.

"I do have to get up. I'm meeting with some donors for breakfast, then with Pez at his favorite brunch place, then Buckingham all afternoon."

"Come back for lunch? I miss you," Alex says, and Henry gives him a smile.

"I'll do my best. I miss you, too."

Henry kisses his forehead, then his nose, and then Alex is smiling into a kiss on the lips. He watches from the bed as Henry goes about the process of getting ready for a day of meetings, building a prince around the core of a young man. It's something Alex has seen a hundred times by now, but it doesn't seem to take as long as it used to. When Henry kisses him goodbye and promises to have the kitchen send up coffee, there's more of Henry in the prince than there's ever been, and Alex is beyond glad.

It's only after Henry is gone that Alex launches into action, getting himself ready for the day. Henry thinks he's just going to be taking it slow and adjusting to the time difference before a fancy state dinner, and that was his initial plan, but after last night, it's been revised a bit. Bea's texted, so he takes his coffee to the music room and finds her on the couch, fiddling with something he thinks is called a thumb harp. She sets it down to come wrap him in a hug as soon as he appears, and he has to be careful not to spill hot coffee down her back.

"Thank you for doing this for him."

"Of course. Thank you for helping. I'll probably ask your mom, too, but I wanted to make sure it was a good idea first, and I thought you might know better than she would."

Bea just nods, and they get to work. She's got to go before too long, her own series of charity meetings and projects to get to, but she promises to send Alex an email with everything he needs to set his plan into motion. He texts Catherine as he makes his way back to Henry's room to work, and she responds quickly, so Alex settles in and gets started on something much, much more important than another project could ever be.

He does finish his essay and start his grant search before he meets Henry for lunch, an honest to god picnic in a secluded part of Kensington Gardens, because it's beautiful out and Henry's been inside all day. And lunch is perfect, all laughter and casual touches and stealing bites of each other's food as they finally, _finally_ get to spend time together after days apart. Henry had come into it looking a little tired and with a hug that begged for a break, but he looks better as they're wrapping up. Alex suggests they walk to Buckingham, because it's a nice day and it's not too far, and the fresh air is clearly doing Henry good. So Henry grabs his hand, and they drop the picnic basket off at Kensington and start toward Henry's next meeting. Alex can feel the tension building as they get closer, as Henry gets ready to go in and see every piece of his family's history that could ever hurt them picked apart and put on full display. Alex just distracts him as best he can, rambling about all sorts of things and keeping a tight hold on his hand.

When they get to Buckingham, Henry gives him a hug, the kind that says he wants Alex to stay close even if he can't. So Alex hugs him as tightly as he can and tells him he's proud of him. He offers to break into the meeting and cause a ruckus to end it, and that makes Henry laugh, and when he pulls out of the hug, he's got his armor back on. Alex stands on his toes to kiss him, and Henry goes, leaving Alex to try not to feel like he's sending his boyfriend into a war zone. 

He takes his laptop back to the Waterloo Vase for the afternoon, because of all the places to study, a towering vase that reminds him of how much Henry loves him is probably the best one. Henry finds him there a few hours later and greets him with a hug that just says he's tired, tired of all the questions and the taking and the picking. It's a hug that's begging for cuddles and an episode or two of _Bake Off_ , but it's not one that means Henry's going to fall apart or that he needs a long weekend where they don't see anyone else, so Alex counts it as a win.

They go back to Kensington and facetime June, and she puts David on so Henry can baby talk to him while she and Alex catch up. Then, Alex and Henry curl up on a couch in the music room to watch _Parks and Rec_ with Bea, Henry's head on Alex's shoulder as Alex tries to absorb some of the "too much" that gets to him in times like these. 

Their last event of the day is a state dinner, and Henry is tired, but Alex can tell he's enjoying it as much as he ever enjoys events like this. There are interesting people to talk to, and there's good food, and afterward they're free to mingle with whoever they'd like, so in sum, it's far from the worst. Alex gets into a conversation with a Hungarian diplomat about the finer points of Hungary's shift to the Euro, and he sees Henry laugh at something one of the waiters says. He tries not to be too distracted by that laugh, tries not to fall too much in love with the fact that in a room full of diplomats and politicians and activists, Henry has chosen to talk to a member of palace staff.

Eventually, Alex is getting another glass of champagne when Henry comes to give him a hug that asks if they can go. Alex puts the fresh champagne flute down and takes his hand instead, and Henry leads him through a side door and into the kitchen. From the kitchen, they stop in a wine cellar just long enough to grab a bottle before Henry is leading the way back out to Buckingham Gardens. He tucks them away somewhere out of sight of the palace and lies down on the grass, tugging Alex down to join him before turning his attention to the sky.

"Looking for Orion?" Alex teases, but Henry shakes his head.

"Orion's a winter constellation. I'm not sure what I'm looking for; maybe Leo or Signus."

Alex chuckles, but Henry doesn't say anything, just moves to rest his head on Alex's chest, eyes still turned toward the stars. Alex puts a hand in his hair, but doesn't say anything. Henry's quieter now than he has been for a while, the sort of quiet sadness that Alex knows comes over him sometimes, so rather than try to force him to talk, Alex wraps an arm around his chest and waits.

"We used to do this with my dad," Henry says eventually. "He'd take us out at night, each of us on our own, and he'd show us where the constellations were. It's... my earliest memory with him is waking up late one night, and I was so sleepy, but he wrapped me in a blanket and took me outside to see Orion. He told me that every culture in the world could see a soldier or a hunter or a hero in those stars, and he taught me to see it, too. And I... well, in the Greek myth, Orion's a bit of an ass. More than a bit, if I'm honest. So I decided that my dad was probably a better hero to celebrate, and I told him he was the one the stars made a picture of. I pretended the whole world saw those stars and decided to celebrate my dad. And now, he... well. That's why I look for Orion the way I do. It... it was always sort of our constellation, and I... I like to think, sometimes, that he's connected to it somehow. I know that's a bit daft, but it's nice to imagine."

"I don't think it's daft," Alex says. Henry's quiet, and again, it's the sort of quiet Alex doesn't want to step on.

"This... this is seven years since he died. Seven is... well, I'm not sure how much I buy it, but it's an important number in nearly every religion. So if I'm, you know, especially maudlin or quiet..."

"I understand. I mean, I... I understand as much as I can," Alex says. "And I love you. Even when you're maudlin or quiet. Especially then."

Henry turns his head and kisses Alex's chin. Alex smiles and kisses the side of Henry's head, just above his ear. Henry opens the wine, then points out his first constellation. Alex holds him close, and after a bit, he asks, "H? I know we're supposed to be taking time and relaxing after this week, but would you maybe want to visit your dad while we're on vacation?"

Henry sits up, and Alex is worried for a moment, but then Henry grabs his face and kisses him, and he feels a flood of warmth as he realizes he's said the right thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @/steelrosealchemist on tumblr and I were talking about Orion a few days ago, and it's my favorite constellation, so I thought it might be nice to work in some backstory about why Henry's looking for it on New Year's, right before he makes a move.  
> \--  
> As always, I'm [HMS-Chill](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hms-chill) on tumblr for fic stuff, and I'd love to chat either there or here. Thanks y'all!


	3. Chapter 3

A week later, Henry's behind the wheel as they pull up to his family's favorite royal house. He's quiet as they park and unload their bags, then he leads the way to a small stand of trees behind the house.

"He... he said he didn't want a headstone. He and Mum planted these trees when they got married, so it... it felt right to put him here."

Alex pulls Henry into a hug, then he steps forward to stand in front of the tree Henry had first pointed out.

"Arthur? Or, Mr. Fox, hi. I'm... my name is Alex. I'm dating your son. Henry, not Philip. And I, well, I'm just really, really in love with him. And I know you loved him a lot, too, so I thought maybe I'd tell you a bit about how amazing he is now, and how much I love him."

Alex feels Henry's arms wrap around him from behind, and he just keeps talking, telling Arthur about how lucky he is to be dating Henry and how proud Arthur would be of the man he's become. Henry cries some, and Alex squeezes his hand and talks about how he's going to look after Henry now. He's going to love him, and support him and be proud of him, since Arthur can't do that in the same way anymore. Then he talks about his own dad, and how Oscar is going to love Henry, too, and how if they have kids he'll be the best grandpa anyone's ever had.

It's just starting to get dark when Alex says, "Well, I think I've got to get him in for dinner now, but I wanted to meet you, and to thank you for loving Henry so much. We know you loved him a lot, and we know you still do. And I'm going to take good care of him until we see you again, I promise." After a moment, he turns in Henry's arms and stands on his tiptoes to kiss Henry's cheek before asking, "was that okay?"

Henry just nods, and Alex hugs him closer. He lets them sit in the quiet for a bit before he says, "I do... I have one more thing, too; it's, well, it's something I think he'd want you to have." He pulls out of Henry's arms to open his bag and pulls out a journal with Orion embossed on the cover.

"I... after that first night here, near the Waterloo Vase when you said you wished you could have known him differently, I... I thought maybe people who knew him as an adult could maybe help convince you of how proud of you he'd be. So Bea helped me make a list of people who knew him well, and a lot of them agreed to write and tell you about how much he loved you and how proud he'd be. And they, well, they're all in here. Their memories of him, and things they know he loved and supported, and just... ways they know he'd be proud. I know it's not the same as having him here or getting to know him and love him the way you could have, but I... I thought maybe it would be better than nothing."

Henry's got one hand over his mouth, and when he reaches out the other for the journal, it's shaking slightly. Alex offers the journal, but instead, he grabs Alex's wrist and pulls him in for a massive hug, one that thanks him in a way words never could.

"I... I got them for the rest of your family, too, and they'll be delivered by staff or the post office, but I wanted to give you yours in person. I love you, and your dad would, too," Alex says. Henry just holds him close as the twilight settles in around them, trying to get into the hug just how much Alex's gift means. When Alex finally convinces him to go in for dinner, he does so with a watery smile, still wiping away a few tears, but happier and lighter than Alex has seen him yet this trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So fun fact, when Leonard and Virginia Woolf moved into the house they loved, they planted trees, named them after themselves, and planned to be buried under them together. So I borrowed that for Catherine and Arthur.  
> \--  
> As always, I'm [HMS-Chill](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hms-chill) on tumblr for fic stuff, and I'd love to chat either there or here. Thanks y'all!


	4. Chapter 4

Alex thinks maybe that'll be it, that they'll continue their vacation and he won't learn anything new about Henry's dad for a bit. But that night, Henry's memories are as loud as ever. Alex swears he can hear Henry missing his dad, so eventually, he turns to face him and asks, "want to tell me about it?"

Henry only looks surprised for a moment. "I was just thinking about Dad. I... this is going to be sad, and I don't want to ruin our vacation, but if you want to know I can tell you."

"Hey, you think I'm just going to be casual and happy while you're not? It's not going to ruin anything. You can tell me."

Henry hints at a smile for just a second, then his eyes focus on Alex's chest. "We knew something was wrong before the diagnosis, but when we found out what it was, I was the only one living close enough to come home that night. And I... I couldn't sleep, so I was out in one of the courtyards in Kensington and trying so hard to find Orion, and I couldn't. Eventually, I looked it up and found that it had just set, and somehow that was enough to just make it feel like nothing was right at all. So I... I was there crying, and my dad came and found me. I don't know how he knew I needed him, but he... he found me and just came and hugged me, and he... he told me he loved me no matter what. I remember that, more than anything. That he hugged me, but then he made sure to look me in the eye, and he said 'I love you. No matter what happens, and no matter what you do, I will always love you, and I will always be your dad, and I will always be proud of you.' He said that no matter what I did, or... or what anyone said, he would still love me and be proud of me. And I hugged him and said he wasn't going to die, and he said it would be alright, but I'm not sure either of us really believed it. And I wanted to tell him, I did, but I was so scared, and I thought... I thought I'd have time." He's crying now, and Alex pulls him in close. After a moment, Henry says, "I thought I'd get another chance, but everything happened so fast after that, and there were always people, or he was sleeping, or just... there was always something, and I didn't get another chance. But he wrote us all letters. He wouldn't let us go into chemo with him, so I think it was then. And in mine, he said that I had so much love, and he wished he could have met the person I got to share it with. Not the girl, the person And he... he got us all presents, too, for birthdays and Christmases for five years. With cards and everything, and the last thing he got me was a book of gay love letters. There was more before that, a rainbow scarf the first year and some signed copies of Bowie's books and things, but that last book had a card with it, and he said that he loved the way I loved people, and if he couldn't write me any more letters, he could at least give me a book full of them and let me know he loved me no matter what or who I loved. He said he knew I was going to make him proud. So I... I know I've told you I think he knew and didn't care, but that's why. But still, I just... I wish I'd told him. I wish he could have met you. He'd love you, and your dad, I know it. God, he would have loved your dad so much. I wish he could have met you both."

"I know. I wish I could have known him. For real, I mean, not just through you. But sometimes I do think I know him, at least sort of. When I watch his movies, or when you and Bea talk about him, it reminds me of you. His movies especially, I think because I can see his mannerisms and things. You move like him. Talk like him, too. It's not the same, but... you know how you say history rhymes? You and your dad are like that. You're not the same, but you rhyme."

"I love you," Henry says. Alex can tell he's getting to a point in the night where he's tired enough to stop making sense, but he's not there yet. Every word is intentional. "I love how thoughtful you are. I can't think of anyone but you who would, you know, come here with me, and let me be upset, and who would give me a journal like the one you did, and then just listen to me ramble. Thank you for every part of today; it... it's meant a lot, even if it's been hard sometimes."

"Of course. I love you," Alex says. Henry props himself up just enough to kiss Alex, then rolls back over onto the bed itself so he won't fall asleep on top of his boyfriend. Alex misses having him so close, but given how his ribs felt after the last time Henry fell asleep on him, it's for the best. He contents himself with moving up in the bed just a bit to press a kiss to Henry's forehead, and Henry smiles, and Alex knows, deep down, that Arthur would be proud of them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I'm [HMS-Chill](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hms-chill) on tumblr for fic stuff, and I'd love to chat either there or here. Thanks y'all!


End file.
